Right now, if you scroll through the website of any major news organization, you will find headlines making bold claims about trade wars and constitutional crises. Engaging with these news media can feel demoralizing at best, leading many to develop burnout or even depression from the sheer amount of unprecedented problems.
The truth is, this attention is in the wrong place.
Why lose sleep over such commonplace, solvable problems when a problem of enormous and unprecedented proportion faces the American people? Probably because the liberal media has not bothered to tell you what the issue even is.
The fear-mongering from the news media is all obfuscation, a facade meant to keep the public from uncovering the truth that not even FOX News will tell you.
Behind the make-believe dangers of tariffs, guns, the destructive separation of powers and group chats that threaten national security lies the real looming threat to American society — hippopotamuses across the U.S. are eating human babies.
I recognize this assertion may come as a surprise to many readers as the news media has left us deliberately in the dark on the issue. You may be asking yourself, “How are hippos finding these babies?” “Why would hippos desire to eat human babies?” “How many hippos are there in the U.S.?”’
Due to the disturbing lack of reporting done on the topic, I cannot supply readers with answers to these questions. I can tell you that hippos eating babies is a real phenomenon that has been going on right under our noses for decades.
Despite their demure appearance, hippos are some of the most sadistic mammals walking the Earth. More human babies die at the hands of hippos than from lions, tigers, bears and killer whales combined.
However, pro-hippo propaganda has convinced many that hippos are harmless, even friendly creatures. It is no coincidence that as hippo-related baby deaths start to rise in the U.S., pygmy hippopotamus Moo Deng goes viral, reinforcing the misconception that hippos are harmless creatures.
But even the seemingly wholesome Moo Deng proved violent when given enough attention.
My own sister possesses several hippo stuffies, despite my protests. She insists my views on hippos are alarmist and based on misinformation, leading me to question whether she even cares about the well-being of innocent babies.
The reality is this is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top of American society, and no one is innocent. If the government cares about human life, why keep this tragedy hidden? Clearly, they have something to gain from keeping these deaths hidden.
The merchandising of hippos through brands like Jellycat has made many incredibly wealthy, incentivising these companies to hide hippos’ true nature and bribe the government and news organizations into keeping the secret.
What’s even more disheartening is that we have found a solution to this problem, but due to reactionary responses from the radical left, we have not been able to cease the tragic deaths of thousands of babies.
Scientists have proven that frog saliva is an effective hippo tranquilizer, calming their blood-thirsty urges, thereby protecting babies while causing minimal damage to the hippo’s neurological functioning.
But what happens when homosexuality among frog species causes depletion of the frog population?
For years, reputable news sources have reported that sewage runoff has led to male frogs trying to have intercourse with other males. Recently, such behavior has been discovered among female frogs as well, causing a 90% reduction in certain frog populations.
Frog homosexuality proves a genuine concern for anyone who cares about baby lives. However, anyone attempting to discuss the issue in good faith is met with accusations of “pseudoscience” and “homophobia.”
Like most Americans, I have no problem with gay people. Myself and other frog advocates are merely concerned citizens, trying to protect the amphibian population.
The solution to stopping these deaths is clear: gay frogs must go.
To do this, some have proposed decreasing the amount of sewage entering our natural waterlands. This solution could hold significant consequences for businesses whose profits would be cut by the expenses required to properly dispose of their sewage. As such, I propose a different solution, gay-straight frog-conversion therapy.
Regardless, the most important step toward stopping this crisis is putting an end to the cultural gaslighting that redacts this problem from the headlines, allowing this circle of death to continue.
Make no mistake, the liberal media has blood on their hands, along with anyone who has the gall to look away from the infant mortality epidemic of our generation.
If you ever find yourself questioning whether you should take a stand, simply ask yourself, “Does the thought of homicidal hippopotamuses ripping newborn babies from the arms of their mothers before callously feeding them to their young disturb you?”
If you care about the value of human life, you will find your answer.